My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
