i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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