So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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