Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
