I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
