You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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