stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
