I think my fart just growled at me.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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