i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
