she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
