In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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