I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
