I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
