I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
