Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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