Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
