when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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