There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
How does one acquire holy water?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
