I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
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