Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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