things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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