Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
