i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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