So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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