I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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