Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
