I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
