I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
im six kinds of drunk right now
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
