Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
