I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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