A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize