I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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