I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
how does that bad decision feel?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
