Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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