I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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