i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
