he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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