i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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