You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
