I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
mondays should just be called national damage control day
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
