The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
