used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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