Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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