I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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