My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize