Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
