I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
