I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
