I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I just forgot I was standing up.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I came so hard my ears popped.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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