I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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