I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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