I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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