I cockslap morals
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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