Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
