Whatcha textin bout Willis?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
