Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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