A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
operation have a gay friend backfired
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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