I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
