upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
