My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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